I am taking care of myself
It is the first time in a long time
It is a process of denying and receving
Much of my life has been about receiving
Yet when I look at my life now…
I am so much more fulfilled in the letting go and denying aspect
Each day is a new lesson
A new challenge
A new adventure
I am becoming that girl that dances as though no one is watching
I am becoming that girl that truly lives in the day
I am becoming someone I enjoy being around.
One of my most amazing friends took this of me in Greece. The moment she showed it to me we both sat there in silence for a while. It was one of those pictures you could only capture once. We did not take the time to practice this shot over and over, it just happened and the thing is this picture reveals so much. Much of my life at this present stage that I will never be able to put into words, but she and I know. She and I know that this picture truly does speak a million words. Thank you my dear friend for capturing a moment in my life I hope to never forget.
I have had prayers answered – most strangely so sometimes – but I think our heavenly Father’s loving-kindness has been even more evident in what He has refused me.
~ Lewis Carroll
“Within us all there are wells of thought and dynamos of energy which are not suspected until emergencies arise.”
~ Thomas J. Watson
Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help. and he will say: HERE AM I.
– ISAIAH 58:8,9
You will never read this, but it is days like this that I wish I had not gone. It is days like this that I wish I would have gone with you. It is days like this that I wish you would have thought of me. It is days like this that I wish you would have prooved a year of doubt wrong. I called you that morning to tell you that I loved you, that I had come to love you. I had made my own choice taking in what others had said, but knowing that my choice was my choice. I hate feeling this way. I wish I could lack emotion just for a moment. But then what kind of life would that be? to not feel and experience the real life around me. You had hoped for a fairytale I had hoped for a real life true love. What happened happened for the best. Despite all the humaness in me I knew. I knew from the very moment I called you a yellow. I wanted to believe you were my pink over the last year. I felt as though that last week a part of me died. It was my fault and my choice. I miss you, but the crazy thing about all of this is that I can live without you and I will continue to do so. But there was a moment in time where I had wished that not to be the case. Despite everything above I am ok. I have good days and bad days. My life is at a good spot right now and as you and I have talked many times God has my heart and I knew I had to continue to wait, but when my heart hurts like it does I wish the response would have been different that fateful night.
“When you are arguing against Him
you are arguing against the very power that makes you
able to argue at all.”
What Hurts The Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
that don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and I just let ‘em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin’ on with you gone still upsets me there are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay but that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most was being so close
and havin’ so much to say and watchin’ you walk away
and never knowin’ what could’ve been and not seein’ that lovin’ you is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ you everywhere I go
but I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over I would trade, give away
All the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken
Not seein’ that lovin’ you
that’s what I was trying to do.
I wish I knew the hours
I wish I knew more than I do now
In less than 5 months this will be home
I have less than 5 months to take in what is here
I have less than 5 months to say goodbye to so much stuff
In less than 5 months I will have to say goodbye to so many I love
In less than 5 months one of the greatest adventures of my life begins!
Just a little less than 5 months